The coolness of autumn was arriving. I sat on the porch
steps, curious as to my next move. I had been traveling
my whole sixteen years of life. As short as it is, I've
lived forever. I could hear my father calling me from
the darkness that is my life, and yet, my rejuvenation.
The cool wind twirled my hair and caressed my rosy cheeks.
I saw the leaves dancing before me, twisting and bending
with the wind's every command.
I heard my stepfather calling to me, “Come inside
before you get sick.”
I looked up and realized that my memories had grabbed
a hold of me again. My stepfather is no longer a part
of my life. Some people have asked me where he is. My
response consists of something along the lines of, “He's
dead.”
It's not that I like hiding behind the lies and deceptions,
but where do you start when you have a Stephen King novel
or a V. C. Andrews story hidden away, deep in your past.
I went inside and headed to my room. Not knowing on which
side I was safest, I locked myself behind my bedroom door.
I crawled into bed and cornered myself against the wall.
I pulled my blanket to my chest and rocked back and forth,
my head in my hands. I allowed the tears to fall freely
as my favorite radio station played a collection of depressing
songs about teenage angst. I felt my stomach twisting
into knots as my breathing became shallower, and the walls
of my room closed in on me.
“What's wrong, Katie? I heard my stepfather whisper
in my ear. "Are you having another panic attack?
Come on, Katie, I know you missed me. …Missed me.
...Missed us,” he taunted. “Don't you remember?"
I could feel him twirling my hair and caressing my cheeks
with his icy hands. I tried to gain control of myself,
but failed. I couldn't I started to gasp for air. My body
was sent into mini convulsions as I
rocked: back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
“Please stop it! Please. I…I…I can't
take it anymore. Please leave me alone," I pleaded
with the shadows.
“Come on, Katie, you, you know how much I love
you. You betrayed me,” he answered.
“N…n…no, I didn't do anything wrong!"
“Don't lie to yourself, Katie, you're pathetic.
You're even stuttering! Just like the old times, huh?
You know you wanted to do it. It's your fault. You were
old enough to decide. You could have said no, but you
didn't, did you?"
I felt myself suffocating. The room was spinning around
me, faster and faster. I grabbed my hair, feeling the
pull on my scalp. I rocked and rocked and rocked.
I reached under my bed and grasped the one object that
had cured all my pain and sent me into a world of ecstasy
in one quick movement. I drew it close to my body before
dragging it against my skin.
I watched as the blood seeped from my scarred flesh.
“Yes," I whispered to myself as the pain faded
into the darkness along with all my haunting shadows.
The razor dropped to the floor as I floated into a catatonic
state.
I heard someone tapping on my door. I thought it was
my imagination as the knocking grew more evident, pulling
me from the tunnel I believed I was in.
“Come in,” I whispered as I realized I had
been sitting there for several hours.
“I thought you fell asleep with your light on,”
Darlene said as she popped her head inside my door.
I smiled sweetly and shook my head. I couldn't speak.
I was at a loss for words. “That was a close call,"
I mumbled to myself as she walked away.
I wrapped my arm with whatever disposable fabric was
within my reach. I slid the razor back into its hiding
place before turning off my light. My arm started to tingle
and sting. I welcomed the pain, for now I knew I was alive.
I smiled as I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.
The next morning, I awoke to the sun peaking in through
my shades. Birds were chirping as squirrels were chasing
themselves outside my bedroom window. I started to stand,
ready to begin a new day. All too soon the memory of the
previous night hit me like a slap in the face as I felt
the throbbing pain return to my arm. I threw myself back
down on my bed, wiping away my sudden outpouring of tears.
I knew that as much as I wanted to talk about what happened
the night before, disclosing my severe turmoil, I could
not. No one would ever understand why I cut myself.
