I have spent what seems like almost five hundred years
in a meticulous search in order to locate myself. The
truth is, I have not been able to see myself. I do believe
that I have caught a glimpse of my being, but it has turned
out to be my shadow.
Shadow or not, just who am I? Can I really sit back and
answer that question of my identity with a single word
or phrase? Can identity be answered with just my name?
What's a name? Amber-Dawn Metz was a title given to me
when I was born. For one isn't born one's self; one is
born with a mass of expectations, a mass of other people's
ideas to work through it all to become an individual.
Identity isn't just something that is given. At the beginning
of one's life, a little push is given in the right direction,
but after that, it is up to the self to make the own
individuality.
My name is Amber-Dawn Metz, born March 23, 1985. I have
lived in Prince George all my life. My parents, Ron and
Linda, have raised my four siblings and me, with many
rules and a strict code with reasonable punishments. My
boyfriend Mike is also there to keep me busy as well.
I'm about 5'9" and weigh 150 pounds. My brown eyes
almost look black, and I have about sixteen earrings in
my ears. I attended Prince George Senior Secondary for
my last two years of school. I hope to go on to a good
art or animation school, to take my abilities in art to
their maximum limits. One day I will own my own studio
or work for a company like Disney.
My identity is myself, and I like the way that I am.
I have goals, interests, values, and morals. Yet in elementary
school, I tried being myself, but it wasn't getting me
anywhere. So I acted like everyone else, dressed like
everyone, and talked like everyone. I started believing
that I was someone totally different. It took me until
grade nine to realize that I was putting myself into a
massive depression. Then one day I wrote a poem called
"Chameleons" and entered it in the SD#57 Writing
Contest (2000-2001):
What do you do to fit in?
Do you disguise yourself?
Cover your true nature, with a socially
expectable mask.
Do you assimilate yourself to be like
others?
So no one will find you.
Or discover your secrets.
Is it possible that you wore your mask
so long
That now you hide your true identity
You can't remember who you are
So you become someone else?
After I wrote this poem, I just didn't care anymore about
what people thought of me. I started to accept myself
more, and it started to build up my confidence. I found
that I was doing the things that I had once loved and
enjoyed.
Now I know who I am, and what I'm like, yet I still see
a shadow, and from time to time I lose myself once again.
Like a dark past, it still wants to haunt me. Society
is to blame for it. It makes me judge myself, and it distorts
my vision. Stereotyping is one consequence of our great
society. Stereotyping plays with our identity. Goth, witch,
lesbian, drug dealer, mean, and evil-looking are just
some of the names that I have been called by people who
do not know me. Even the people who know me well still
have second thoughts about me.
I’ve been writing since I can remember, yet I’ve
always felt that school restrictions always held back
my mature ideas. I always had to cut things out. I’m
glad that I had Mrs. Woods for Writing 12. I still held
back, but I was able to show a bit more of what I could
do. I’m more of an artist than a writer because
a painting doesn’t show spelling mistakes. Yet I
find that I still have to write, to tell people what I
have painted. From a painting (inspired by Luis Royo),
I got my idea of Takara, a female warrior who doesn’t
take crap from anyone, for my story "Flashback."
I find it amazing that you can throw yourself into a character
and no one can tell you otherwise.
I still feel like I'm searching for myself. That shadow
is still there, like I am missing a part of me, something
that I need to find before my " Identity" is
complete. There is still a lot more for me to learn about
my writing, my art, and just being me.
I have gone to look for myself. Should I come back,
please hold me until I return.
